Authenticity: An Ode to Self-Love. (Why I walked away from my 15 year nursing career).
I AM in my 35th year on earth and this year I have promised myself the tenacity to embrace my truest, most authentic self. My 2023 mantra is: "Master my fears" and these 2 go hand-in-hand because for the longest time I have stored away my most magical quality: my beautiful, Divine SENSITIVITY. Only the few in my most sacred circle would I feel safe enough to expose my rawest self and when I allowed my HEART to EXPRESS without fear of judgment, misinterpretation or ridicule I felt PURE PEACE. As I mentioned in my last post ("Greetings and a Giveaway") I started seeking the meaning and mastery of my sensitivity after the diagnosis of depression and anxiety over 15 years ago. To say that it has been easy is a lie, but EMBRACING MY SENSITIVITY HAS LEAD ME TO EMBODY AN EMPOWERED SELF AND THIS, TO ME, IS THE ULTIMATE REWARD! What I have come to innerstand is this: when you are aligned with your heart, you are endowed with the courage to live your life from a place of love and gratitude, PURPOSE AND FULFILLMENT.
Recently, I did something I never ever thought that I would do, but I did it as an act of self-love. As I have mentioned in my previous posts, I am originally educated in Nursing Sciences. For the past 15 years I have loved (past tense!) caring for people while in hospital. I loved the rush of high acuity patients requiring urgent surgery for fractures, bowel complications, medical emergencies, etc. Not only did I love my career, but I also tried my hardest to center my practice around integrity, advocacy and compassion, positive leadership and continued competence. I prided myself on developing a genuine rapport with my patients AND THEIR FAMILY and in return, I earned their trust: this was my ultimate reward.
If you know, you know: healthcare is ever-changing. In 15 short years ( I say “short” because I worked with many nurses whose careers exceeded 30 years!) I noticed many changes to the system: affecting both health professionals AND patients. What needs to be expressed is the safety deficit for both parties due to an overwhelmed system. When I started my career I had the time throughout my shifts to sit bedside with my patients and get to know each of them. It was essential to me that I knew my patients by their names, their families, their values, their goals for recovery, NOT JUST BY THEIR ROOM NUMBER. As months turned into years however, this became more and more difficult to where i still strived to develop a genuine connection with my patients, but to the sacrifice of my own breaks and home time. This eventually wore on me and only for the sake of self-preservation, I had to continue my duties with less investment in my nurse-patient relationships. And then it happened: I had become the nurse I promised myself I would never become: detached.
So let me take you back to a time in our healthcare system and in my nursing career where I was not detached. My favorite part about being a nurse was not starting IV’s or performing wound care, nor was it surgery or the thrill of an emergency, in fact, it was the opposite: my favorite thing was providing gentle, attentive personal care. I could execute all the “juicy”, “cool” nursing skills, but to my heart, there was nothing more fulfilling than pouring a warm bath for an elderly, long-stay patient and holding a safe space for them to escape their physical, mental and emotional constraints of their hospital stay.
Picture this: an elderly patient who has been overtaken with dementia after a fall at their home; they cannot return to their home or to their loved ones. They are lost, confused and scared with their hospital environment. A once highly-respected, productive and humble citizen alone in their room with nothing to do or no one to talk to. They no longer have control of bladder or bowels, sometimes even their words or actions. This is not their true character of course, but symptoms of their diseases. Even so, they have become forgotten, another “patient”, another room number with assigned responsibilities and tasks for their nurse-tasks that have become insurmountable for even the most skilled and intelligent of nurses. And so that elderly patient sits in their room all day, all night: the same routine day in and day out: get up, take your pills, use the bathroom, wash up, have breakfast, use the bathroom, lay down until the next meal, take more pills, use the bathroom before lunch, eat lunch, lay back down until supper…and so it goes…for weeks, even months.
Even if a patient is “non-verbal” meaning they are not able to verbally communicate their needs, it has always been very easy for me to feel and see the body language that they share in response to interactions and their environments. As a nurse, I was witness to just how powerful the human touch can be. Depending on a person's INTENTION AND ATTENTION, you can make someone either feel dignified and worthy, respected and loved or shameful and degraded. My patients could feel my loving and good-natured intentions as I held their hands, looked into their eyes, called them by their names and shared my plan to provide them with a bath: a trusting connection was established. Watching as the patient was lowered into the tub, enveloped in warm water and a softening in their eyes and body posture affirmed that they felt delight. The fact that they were exposed and vulnerable no longer mattered: for it was in our eye contact, our hand holding, our heart connection, that our souls actually communicated; and what was implied was total surrender and unwavering trust. This safe space and dignified human touch allowed for profound healing beyond the physical. NOW, THIS. THIS WAS MY FAVORITE PART OF BEING A NURSE: HEALING THE PHYSICAL THROUGH A HEALED HEART.
After chasing the rush for 8 years at the Red Deer Regional Hospital and having to push myself beyond my limits just to barely keep my head afloat with the continuing demands on our health system, I decided to try community nursing in hopes of more work-life balance. I was recently offered a position in a community setting that was by many nurses definition, “a dream job”: Mon-Fri days ( aka NO SHIFT WORK, SET SCHEDULE, ONLY 1 WEEKEND PER MONTH, etc.) If you have any experience as a mother, especially a nurse, then you know this job offered minimal child care needs and maximum time for me to be with my family without flip flopping between day/evening/night shifts! And it was amazing…at first.
I immersed myself into my new position and embraced the new challenges and environment with a brave and enthusiastic face. I faced a steep learning curve in wound care, but nevertheless, made it my mission to expand to the best of my ability with professional transparency. Being me, I valued a genuine and equally therapeutic relationship with my patients and so I continued to infuse my nursing responsibilities with my heart-felt essence. Unfortunately, my attempts were misinterpreted by both coworkers and patients. When I had attempted to open a heart-felt conversation to encourage patients to reflect upon their origin of illness, I was mistaken for “inappropriate” conversation. Where I had attempted to offer messages of empowerment and support, I was misinterpreted for crossing another professional boundary. Where my personal and professional integrity was always described with words like: “proactive”, “critical thinker”, “positive leader”, “competent”, “compassionate”, “professional”, these words were replaced with phrases like: “What happened? You started off so strong…”, “Do you need more orientation?”, “unprofessional”, and so on. I had never been associated with these terms before…ever, not personally or professionally. Each day, I would put my brave face forward trying to fit within expected boundaries but I slowly began to detach from the essence of my patient and myself. I became fearful of making the wrong move or saying the wrong thing. I didn’t even recognize myself: joy was replaced by fear, doubt and shame.
Things came to a head one day at work where it became ABUNDANTLY CLEAR. I DID NOT feel sorry for opening up a safe space for my patients to have heart-felt conversations, I DID NOT feel shame for encouraging a patient to search within their heart for answers about their physical and mental health and I DID NOT need more orientation AND I DID NOT WANT TO BE CONSTRAINED TO THE LIMITED BOX THAT I WAS CURRENTLY BOUND BY. And in this moment, I DECIDED TO CHOOSE MYSELF. I WAS NEVER MEANT TO FIT IN THIS WORKPLACE. I was meant to see that I was beautifully and divinely different in the most unique and powerful ways and to embrace myself AS I AM.
And so… I QUIT MY JOB!!!!! And it was THE MOST LIBERATING AND EMPOWERING ACTION STEP TOWARDS MY HEART'S CALLING: I knew that I would still continue to care for and nurture people but in a way that i would be able to truly connect with a person’s hearts….it would just look different from how I originally pictured it.
So here I AM: Bright, Divine and unapologetically ME. I have taken a leap of faith and am manifesting my own path f that honors my essence, my truth; A path of an AWAKENED HEART.
And so I am no longer scared to speak my truth: It is my light mission to Awaken you to your Heart and within this your Divinity so that you too can align with your highest potentials.
And so it Much Love and Light,
Baily
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